My future is so uncertain -- university, scholarship, everything is just in a shimmering state of semi existence. Nothing is confirmed. I shudder when I think about it sometimes. But the unversity applications are done, and there isn't much I can possibly do about it. Scholarship apps are in the process of being completed, yet there is a greater sense of unpredictability in scholarship apps somehow. The necessity to cater to the interests of the organization, whether I make the right impression during an interview -- there are so many factors in play that I can never tell why anything turns out the way it does.

I keep fearing the worst, and trying not to think about it by concentrating on work or just sleeping or sitting around rotting. It's an uncomfortable feeling, that of being at the mercy of fate -- or rather of admissions and scholarship officers. And the fact that the A levels results will soon be released brings my fears to closer proximity, and makes them seem bigger and more real than ever.


***


I wasn't in a good mood today, I don't know why. It could be due to lack of sleep. Or maybe it has to do with shouting myself hoarse at three different classes. *sighs* Haha. I guess I haven't taught for a while, so I need time to adjust to it all over again.

My classes today were all rather noisy, so I wasn't very nice to them. But I feel that I treated them more harshly than they deserved. Yet the sense of guilt did nothing to alleviate my frustration, and I probably was even colder and more irritable because of it. It's a vicious cycle man.

I need endorphins. I should bring ice-creams and chocolates to school. I must listen to happy songs and psych myself. I need to stop being so affected and so disgustingly emotional. The attitudes of some students are terrible enough to pierce through my usual rational and nonchalant state of mind. Some of them just really don't care, and do everything to show me their disdain and lack of interest in my subject and my lesson. There is no subtlety. And it's not as if they are hardworking, or have a good command of Chinese so they can afford to slack off, and I can watch them slack and sleep and talk with the slightly comforting knowledge that they will study at home, and do decently when the exams come along. Some of them really need help, yet they refuse to take it when offered.

I tried to make lessons interesting. I spent all my time just wondering what to do to grab or hold their attention. But when I marked a test they recently did I realised that they could not be trusted to do basic things like learn words. I am therefore forced to go back to the barest essentials of giving spelling, making them do worksheets, and making sure that they at least know what they are supposed to know.

Anyway, today's lessons were just really quite bad. Felt very discouraged when I spent eons teaching something very short, because I had to stop every ten minutes or so to keep the class in check so that I can be heard. Felt very discouraged also when I was coughing and trying not to let my voice crack or die, as I watched the bored/sleepy/otherwise engaged faces of the students. There is this particular student that really breaks my heart. He doesn't listen at all in class, talks to everyone around him constantly, walks around when I'm teaching and refuses to hand in his work. When I scold him he just glares at me, or laughs with his friends, or gives me this horrible look of utter disrespect and contempt. And it's not like he is one of those really notorious ones who get called up all the time to the discipline mistress. I think he just hates me. Just me. And I don't know why. I'm reluctant to tell his form teacher about everything, or do anything drastic or terrible. But he's going to screw up his Chinese at this rate, and I can't just sit and watch it happen.

On the other hand there are students who really make my day. I really feel very grateful when they yell "laoshi" or "cher" from afar with a big grin, offer to clean the board or carry my books, or just chat randomly with me when the lesson ends or is about to begin. I guess I do like my students after all, and I will miss them when I eventually decide to stop teaching them. But sometimes I just feel so bitter, and useless. Gah. I am such a lousy teacher. -_-

*sighs* Today I just didn't feel very social lah. Didn't want to talk. Didn't feel up to interacting with my students. Hopefully tomorrow will be better! I have less lessons tomorrow so that will probably help me get into a better mood. ^^;;

See you! Shall be off to work on my teaching related and non-teaching related stuff. Sorry for whining so much. Heh.