Hi. You should probably have guessed that I am going to whine a little about the teaching profession once again.

I don't know why being a teacher is proving to be so much more tiring than being a student. Everyday after school I feel too exhausted even to stand up. I will just promptly lie down somewhere and fall asleep. So depressing. Yet I can't exactly spend all my time at home sleeping, because there are lessons to be prepared, and papers to mark. I ought to finish school by 2pm, which is pretty decent, but somehow I will always be held back due to random reasons. Today Ket and I just renewed our record of staying back. We were in school until 5.30pm today, and went home all drenched because it was raining so hard. *yawns* And I get so braindead by the time school ends I can hardly think straight. -_-;; Gah. Still remember the days of waking at 6.30am, rushing home in the evening and then chionging homework to 1 plus. I think teaching is much more stressful than studying myself, because I can control and manage myself, but being responsible for the learning of a whole group of other people is a very different matter.

On the other hand, I feel quite sorry for my students as well, because I am really not a very good teacher. I am not strict enough, so I can't maintain discipline very well, and not all of my students mind me as they should. I know there are certain things that I should do [because everyone has been advising me to] -- like confiscate handphones, send people out and make them stand at their seats if they misbehave or breach school rules, but it's really hard to do because it isn't what I am used to myself. Besides, punishing others isn't really that enjoyable, even if I sometimes feel almost vindictive towards these little kids who will run and shout despite my repeated warnings. And then I don't have any experience, so this cut in syllabus thing is proving difficult to me, because I really don't know what to do with the extra time, having no resources and no previous experience to go by. I have no idea what is required of my students, so I am never certain if I am preparing them adequately. I wish I could do more for my Sec1s, because some of them are really very nice and eager to learn. But there is a limit to my capacity as a teacher. Furthermore, I'm not sure if all that I have taught really helps, since I can't gauge their level of understanding. Their standards really vary a lot, and some have problems with even the fundamentals. Sometimes it feels quite futile to teach complicated ci2 yu3s to people who cannot even form a simple coherent sentence -- how much do they really benefit from this? 有一点本末倒置的感觉。

Sighs. I guess I just need to learn to adapt. I don't feel that I've been doing much for my Sec2 classes at all though, because half the time is spent yelling at everyone at the top of my voice so that they can keep quiet, or look at the board, or something. And then half of what I actually say is lost, because they will not keep quiet or look at the board, and my voice is drowned out by the seven or eight talking students. The way they refuse to discuss anything I ask them to, and just start chatting once I break them into groups, then stare stoningly at me afterwards when I question them is really really disheartening. I get so disgusted at myself for not being able to make them interested. But then they are Sec2s, it's ridiculous for me to be singing or dancing or playing games every session just so they will pay attention. There are things that just have to be taught the normal way. I don't see why we all need to 绞尽脑汁 just to make people interested. It's all very well to occasionally entertain or excite them with fancy activities, but there are certain things that cannot be sugar coated. Being completely bored and lolling around in their seats just because the teacher is discussing an issue which may seem boring to them simply isn't right. They won't learn anything if they insist on assuming such an attitude, no matter how hard we try to engage their interests. Math teachers don't sing and dance. Nor do English teachers. Why should we? It makes no sense to keep compromising, because we won't get anywhere.

Alright Gao Yuan is so incoherent. Off to prep for lessons tomorrow! So tired.