Okay I shall begin the whiny part of the reflection. Haha.

Have been trying to get started on the US apps recently, preparing envelopes and looking through websites to find out what the requirements are. It's a really tiring process. I think I'm going to have terrible trouble with the essays when i begin because I'm just not used to writing about personal experiences. And I think my English is still too limited and poor to convey the emotions I would like to convey with enough precision. Oh well. Haha. I don't know, but my feelings tend to come out more like they actually are when written in Chinese. But my Chinese is getting pretty bad too so. Oh well.

Anyway. As I look through the websites and try to get started on the apps I sort of thought about my JC life. And my conclusion is that I haven't really made full use of it -- the opportunities, the experiences. I think I need to feel completely comfortable and at ease and happy to be able to accomplish anything or make any kind of decisions. And somehow I took really long to adapt to JC life. Sometimes I can't helping wishing that everything could start over, because I would have done many things differently.

If I could start over from Orientation, I would not have been quite so indifferent and unfriendly. Not that I could have been mean to people I hardly knew, but I warm up to people slowly, especially during occasions like Orientation where we sit together ostensibly to make friends. Somehow it's difficult for me to socialise when required to. It's silly of me, I know. Haha. But yes I would have opened up more and been more willing to step out and make friends with everybody, especially since my OG is really made up of many nice people.

If I could go through J1 again, I would probably have treasured the experience more and put more of myself into it. Only if you try to engage yourself will experiences turn out to be meaningful, I guess. And I feel that I should have done that to a greater measure. I was too repelled by my hectic schedule and was too often discouraged and unhappy. I wish I could have been braver and made more of an effort to juggle everything rather than just keep complaining and being depressed. Heh. ^^;; I should also have tried harder to move out of my comfort zone and try things out in spite of feeling self conscious or silly or inadequate. I guess sometimes I like to discredit myself before even trying which is rather disastrous a thing to do. I should learn to try first and not just randomly doubt my own ability before anything happens.

But I think this year has been pretty decent, with lots of nice memories. I guess my so-called social life matters a lot to me, and generally if I don't enjoy school and have enough friends to keep me happy and contented I won't be able to study properly either and my academics and CCAs will get screwed up. Haha I am a very dependent person. But really my friends matter a lot to me and having at least a few nice friends to depend on keeps me cheerful and energetic. And then all is well. ^^

Haha alright. What has happened has happened and it will stay that way. I don't like regretting and lamenting over things past so I shall stop whining this very minute. Hopefully this will serve as a reminder when I start another new chapter somewhere else and start to feel overwhelmingly shy and hopeless and awkward all over again.

And now to sleep and watch TV for a while before the nightly futile attempt to start on essays begins! Haha. Take care everyone. Don't fall ill! ^__^