Today was a pretty good day, as was yesterday... and Wednesday as well. I guess on the whole this has been a pretty good week ^__^... basically I'm feeling more like myself instead of an accumulation of too many smiles and trying-to-be-funny statements. Have stopped feeling so contrived and fake, and am actually beginning to listen attentively during lectures and plan the studying of chem and bio. Hopefully this is a sign that I am getting more settled and used to JC life, with its hectic schedules, heavy workloads, and all the essential but tiring "socialising".

It's so tiring to socialise... to try to think of stuff to talk about and, as a result, talk longwindedly and laugh somewhat shallowly over nothing in particular. It may seem fun while it lasts, but it leaves a dreadfully empty feeling afterwards, when you realise that it was not so much fun as it was contrived. Maybe I just try too hard, and take trivial things too seriously. But I am really hoping that I can stop trying to socialise with most of my class soon and start really talking/chatting with them. While my class is full of nice people I haven't really gotten over the initial stages of feeling vaguely uncertain around them yet. I need to learn to feel less self-conscious and stop trying to be what I am not for fear that people won't accept me as the person I really am. Perhaps all I need really, is time. Ah well.